For Dean, Robin and Ishiah

[godless_son]

He hopes this goes well.

He is keeping his promise to Ishiah and that is important, he knows Ishiah will find that important. He is not, however, with Dean's encouragement, willing to go to the same extremes he would have only a few years ago. He must think of the city, yes, but first he must think of Dean. And he must, for the first time, think of himself. If things go wrong, and he must be controlled, he wants to find a way to fix it that does not end in a body count, including his own.

He tightens his grip on Dean's hand and knocks, hoping Robin is here as well. He is strangely reassuring when Castiel is uneasy.

Comments

[priorcommitment]

There aren't many people who would come without calling first. People who know Ishiah tend to understand that it's most important to set his expectations as early as possible. For those who would require a walk to his apartment, this means a text first, or perhaps a phone call. To have someone knock without that alert means that the trek must not have been a big burden. There are a few individuals who fall into that category that Ishiah knows in town.

Only one he imagines would knock with urgency.

That's what draws Ishiah quickly to his feet, making his way towards the door and interrupting Robin's long tirade about something or other. Crossing the space swiftly, he opens the door, brows raising when his suspicions are confirmed.

"Castiel. Dean. Come in," he says, standing to the side to make way.

[goodfella]

Robin follows Ishiah's receeding form with green eyes half-lidded in annoyance and a cluck on his tongue. It isn't that he's unused to others drowning him out when they're doing other things, only that he still reserves the right to feel bitchy about it regardless. Even with Ishiah. Ishiah will always forgive his demand for attention anyway.

"I knew you weren't listening to me," he says, mildly righteously, and quickly folds his arms over his chest to move nearer to the doorway, leaning curiously on the doorframe to the next room over as the apartment's entrance swings open to reveal an unexpected treat. Or not.

The unexpected part is accurate, at least.

"What are you two doing here?" Robin asks, surprise quickly melting into pointed suspicion. He's suspicious that this is going to be a royal pain in his ass, somehow. "Together. At this time. Without calling."

[always_enduphere]

Dean resists the urge to point out that the sun is up, because it is damn early, and it's only his own nerves that would have him sniping back, regardless. Instead, he steps into the room with Castiel, hanging onto his calm with the ease of long and focused practice.

"Cas needs to talk to Ishiah," he says by way of explanation. "It - " Could have waited, Dean's still sure of it, even if he hadn't been able to come up with a good enough reason for Castiel. "It's urgent."

[godless_son]

"Robin you are welcome to stay, I would prefer it, actually," Castiel says softly, keeping a tight grip on Dean's hand.

"I promised I would come to you the next time I had an episode," he says, raising his eyes to meet Ishiah's. "I have a long history of hiding things I fear others will judge me for or will hurt them and it is not something I am proud of. Dean continues to be affected by it. I'd like to try and handle this differently."

[priorcommitment]

Although the slight derailment of the conversation takes up more of Ishiah's time than it would have were Robin not in the room, Ishiah knows that it's better in the long run for Robin to be aware of the situation. Getting the information straight from the source might even be something Robin comes to appreciate.

Ishiah is expecting to allow Robin more than a few moments' worth of bitching, however.

Glancing from the tension in Dean's eyes to the concern in Castiel's, Ishiah takes a breath and waves them all towards the living room, where there are enough seats for the four of them. "I am going to get us all some water," Ishiah decides, "and then I would like for you, Castiel, to share with us more of what you've seen in your memories this time around."

He turns on his heel, implicitly giving Robin a little bit of space.

[goodfella]

Robin turns his look on Castiel in turn, the narrow-eyed disapproval of a cat; superior but quiet. He's not going to let that first bit pass by entirely without comment, although he's much more interested in the substance of the actual conversation.

"I've got your permission to stay, how lovely I was here first, you know. You're welcome to leave is what I should be saying."

He snorts, but presses off of the doorframe to stand upright, arms still folded over his chest but expression evening out. "You call it an episode like you got a case of the vapors. Are the both of you unharmed? For now?" he asks, unable to disguise a thread of honest concern. Castiel's situation ... reminds Robin a little too acutely of what had been going on with Caliban, for some time, in a way.

[always_enduphere]

"We're fine," says Dean, because they are, whatever they'd been a half hour ago. "Castiel's eyes bleed when it happens, but they've stopped for now."

He sighs, far more uncomfortable for the concern than for Robin's pique, and nods towards the sitting space Ishiah had indicated. "If it's all right with you," he says to Robin, leading Castiel towards them.

As if a nice sitting spell will do anything to help.

[godless_son]

Castiel lets himself be led to a couch, settling primly on the edge as he looks at Robin.

"I am having blackouts, Robin. I came to Ishiah not long ago as I was concerned about what they meant. They are uncovering memories the angels had programmed me to forget."

He casts his gaze over to the kitchen, raising his voice. "They've reprogrammed me thousands of times, Ishiah. It was violent and invasive and the memories are resurfacing more frequently. I hurt Dean."

[priorcommitment]

"Bleeding eyes?" Ishiah asks, closing his own eyes and trying to imagine a reason for that. Hemorrhages? "That you aren't able to heal on your own?"

Balancing a pitcher of water, a bucket of ice, and four glasses on a tray, Ishiah walks back to the coffee table, pouring four glasses out easily.

"Reorganizing your memories and your motivations doesn't surprise me," he says, jaw forming a hard line. It's the type of thing angels would do, never holding back when there's a greater mission at hand. Finding themselves lacking in free will. "But hurting Dean — did that happen as a reflex, or was it a pointed attempt on his life?"

[goodfella]

Robin arches a brow of concern at Castiel, but otherwise keeps his expression quiet, listening to the explanation, and then Ishiah's commentary. Robin nearly holds off on offering his own opinions, knowing how they may come off, but in the end, the words slip out anyway; they usually do.

"Well. That sounds like angels," he says, unshocked, though more cool than blase. "Par fpr the holier-than-thou, short-sighted, self-righteous course. They've been making robots and sleeper agents out of one another for millenia, where Ishiah and I hail from. I'm also unsurprised to hear you confirm that it might be the same elsewhere."

Reaching into the glass of water in front of him, robin fishes out an ice cube before slipping it between his teeth, cracking it against his molars. "But that doesn't mean that whatever is just whatever. If you're attacking Dean ... "

[always_enduphere]

Moved from his own stubborn blankness, Dean finds himself nodding along with Robin, frustration eking out from the tight hold Dean has on it until his face is one continuous frown.

"Not pointed," he says, "Reflex when I woke him up, but apparently they trained him for that, too. I guess back home I'm still making trouble for them upstairs."

It's a comfort, a small one, but enough to bring Dean some measure of spiteful satisfaction.

[godless_son]

"There is a programming in my head to kill Dean," Castiel confirms quietly, eyes dropping down to the floor as he remembers precisely the way he was trained to snap his neck, precisely how much pressure it would take. Clean and efficient.

"I don't why or when it was put there but it's there. I don't what else haven't remembered, yet. Measures need to be put in place in case I am ever out of control, but Dean and I do have some restrictions about who can be involved and what can be done. We are not willing to go to some extremes that would leave permanent damage."

[priorcommitment]

Ishiah frowns deeply.

The decision to take harm to oneself off the table is unfathomable to him. A restriction that, even with the free will granted to him by forgoing his powers and becoming peri, he would never imagine demanding. If there is a chance that he might go out of control and hurt others, he would want to be stopped by whatever means possible. And he knows that if Robin were to turn towards the behaviors of some of his predecessors, he would not hesitate to stop Robin as well.

He felt no sense of regret upon hearing of Hobgoblin's death, for instance.

"I will not promise to hold to those restrictions. I would not hold steadfastly to those restrictions for any individual, inside or outside of this room, or indeed anyone from my own world," Ishiah says, the scar along his jaw bleeding white. "I can only promise to try and arrive at a solution that everyone involved would be satisfied with. You have told me that some of your memories involve slaughter and other such atrocities, Castiel. I want to avoid the potential of that being triggered."

[goodfella]

It might have been better if Robin had been dismissed from the discussion; even Robin knows that much now, consciously, but his temper and his mouth continue to be too quick for him, and his face grows hard as he looks between Ishiah and Castiel with eyes darkened nearly to black in irritation.

He folds his arms across his chest again where he sits, lifting the point of his chin. "You're asking a favor, you know. Dean has my synpathies, and I don't like hearing that the two of you are in troubled times. I do want you to find the best solution possible. I consider the two of you friends, as I consider Ishiah my friend, but I'm offering you a caution once, the same caution as Ishiah. Our values differ somewhere. If you are here for advice, ask for advice, and counsel, but don't come around listing demands and caveats. Ishiah has no obligation to you, he has his own commitments. As for myself, just who the Hell do you think I am? I don't take orders from an insolent little flash-in-the-pan who's lost his fangs."

[always_enduphere]

This is pretty much how Dean expected things to go, but still, he feels a vein ticking in his forehead, teeth clenched tight enough that it's a wonder he hasn't yet heard a crack.

"Then how about we see where we overlap," he says on an exhausted sigh. He has no illusions about them seeing eye to eye on much, and Dean's too damn tired to tiptoe around anyone's ego. "Me, I'm not down with any plan that ends with him dead or driven permanently out of his mind. If we can't all get on board with that, then he and I can go ahead and stop wasting anyone's time."

[godless_son]

If Castiel is laid low by Ishiah's words then he is positively hunched and pale by the time Robin is done speaking.

"You all have my apologies for the way that I approached this," he murmurs, torn between his duty and his devotion to staying alive and well for Dean. "I think there are alternatives is what I should have said. There is a spell to weaken my grace and talk of reapers who might offer a safe space. You are all my family. Please forgive my insolence. I only want a chance at my life with Dean."

[priorcommitment]

Ishiah's patience has started to run thin, not aided in the least by the look that he sees on Robin's expression; he wonders if it was the right idea to bring Robin into the conversation at this point. He can feel the energy from the puck, practically palpable in the air.

They need to figure out logistics quickly.

"Neither of us is suggesting that we start planning to maim or end Castiel's life," Ishiah says, voice edged as he flicks his gaze over to Dean. "Of course we want to plan in a way that allows Castiel to continue being who he is, with full agency and in good health. But if plan A doesn't work, I want to know the fail-safes."

Turning his gaze back to Castiel, Ishiah sits, elbows resting on his knees and hands gripping each other tightly. "And Castiel, there's no need to reiterate that you have set a life with Dean as your goal; I think all of us are aware. Let's talk instead about weakening your grace, as you've suggested, and what steps are required."

[goodfella]

Robin's jaw tics, but he relaxes slightly, tan face growing slightly pale at the mention of a failure in the A-plan. Robin had experienced more than one of those already. Yet now, he can still remember the feel of caliban's fingers vice-tight around his throat, the red flash of eyes, the sound of Auphe spoken in his ear, sharp and grinding as broken glass being shived into his temples. His stomach gives a lurch. Robin ignores it.

He does want to be a good friend. But he wishes he weren't here. He doesn't want this responsibility. He would rather it had nothing to do with him; maybe it shouldn't.

A puck wasn't helpful, in these situations. If it came down to it, Robin's choice would always be his own skin over anything else His own skin, over Castiel's life, over Castiel's happiness. He'd turned his back on Caliban and Niko over Cherish. He would turn his back and run again, if he had to.

"I don't understand why we are talking about what to do if it gets worse when we should be talking about what to do to fix it. If we were talking about hypnosis, that's one thing. Teach Ishiah whatever spells you need to. Rely on him to stop you. I'll stay, and listen, quietly. But I am no hero. I am not volunteering for an obligation to potentially risk my own hide."

[godless_son]

"I don't expect anything of you, Robin," Castiel assures, digging a vial of blood and a piece of paper with a carefully drawn sigil out of his pocket and setting them down on the coffee table.

"But this affects Ishiah and I did not want anyone hiding anything from you. That sigil, drawn with my blood by an angelic being and a short incantation will damage my grace enough that I should be all but human. If it is not enough to undo any memory I am locked within, it should at least render me easily incapacitated."

He sits back, resting a careful hand on Dean's leg. "You have also mentioned reapers as a potential resource, Ishiah. I would be interested in hearing your opinion."

[priorcommitment]

Ishiah exhales softly as he takes the offered vial of blood and peers down at the sigil drawn. Given the consistency of aged blood, he starts to make calculations on how many times he'd be able to draw the sigil with what's offered. At most, it looks like a couple of times — probably because the hope is that once will be enough.

"Let me know if there's a minimum size that this sigil must be drawn at. I may practice with substances of a similar consistency," Ishiah shares, before glancing up. He sets the vial back on the table and crosses his arms, leaning back and contemplating his answer. "The reapers are not individuals I have engaged much with since arriving. They seem to do their jobs and explore, and I have no desire to interfere with either. But I know that they are capable of creating spaces that can withstand quite a bit of power. I thought it might be an option to ask whether or not they have the space to help contain you, Castiel, until we arrive at a solution."

He pauses for a moment, before raising his chin slightly, question evident in the furrow of his brow. "Castiel, it seems like this spell, while capable of suppressing your power, is not one that would ultimately damage mind and health. Is that correct? Or is there a reason why we aren't immediately turning to its use?"

[always_enduphere]

Dean leaves the explanation of the sigils to Castiel, mulling over the reapers yet again. "I trust Rukia," he confirms, "And I'll go talk to the other one, Urahara."

Like everything else, the decision chafes at his nerves, and Dean feels his hand being forced yet again, feet dragged from a path he's comfortable with towards one of uncertainty. He's been curious what the mysterious reaper could do for him for some time - he'd like more time to think about what being shinigami means, but it's clear that Dean doesn't have it.

Not if they're already talking about worst case scenarios. "See what he's willing to do for us."

[godless_son]

Castiel's brow furrows as he wonders precisely what Dean's connection to these reapers are but it is a question for another time.

"Just a few weeks ago Mike would have died without the intervention of my grace. That is why I'm not ready to be 'powered down' just yet," he says, hands carefully clasped. " I do not know what lasting damage there might be to my grace but my mind and vessel ought to withstand it just fine. I trust that you and Dean have a measure of faith in these reapers. Are you amenable, Ishiah?"

[goodfella]

Robin rests his face in his hands and gives a long, tired breath. A situation like this only throws into relief what Robin already knows -- that when a situation calls for strengths, and not guile, he is hopelessly outclassed. Still, Ishiah is his own partner, and that's what keeps him in the room and listening. He only wishes that Ishiah would have brought whiskey, and not water.

"And in a few weeks, Dean could die because of it," he points out. Maybe he isn't quite getting it because he has no powers as such of his own; nor any greed, like Hobgoblin's, to get ahold of them. "That is the only way Ishiah can look at it. You can't expect a peri to feel any other way. I'm sure that he will do whatever he can to help you, including abide by your wishes, in this case. But that doesn't mean that your decision is justified. I'll be upfront If it were me, if it were my memories threatening to take over, to turn me back into ... just, if it were me, I'd have found a healer, and I'd have had him put a kill-switch in my brain. I'd have rather died. But I've lived a long life. And a good one."

[priorcommitment]

When Robin pipes up, Ishiah takes the opportunity to briefly rub his fingers against the ache in his brow, furrowed too long without relief. Robin's put a good voice to everything that Ishiah weighs in his mind right now, and it draws a curious distinction between himself and Castiel. With Mike, with the kitten some months ago, Castiel seems to place a strong value in the immediate and present sustenance of life.

It's a far cry from the strictly utilitarian view Ishiah has always had.

"Death is far from the worst possible outcome," he says, voice softer than before. "In fact, it is one of the most natural outcomes that exists. What needs to be maintained, however, is a balance. Life must be able to sustain itself on the whole. That's how I'm looking at it. I will work within your wishes however I can, but that is a consideration I only make because I consider you friends."

Pressing his hand briefly to his lips, Ishiah exhales. "Let me speak with Urahara Kisuke. I've yet to do so directly. My inclination to trust him is both because Dean has had a good experience with the other reaper, and because... there is a certain kind of wisdom that comes with dealing in death."

[godless_son]

Castiel's eyes drop closed at Robin's words, not trusting the treacherous way they sting. There are parts of being human that have lingered and he wishes emotional volatility were not one of them.

He nods at them both, feeling suddenly unmoored and uncertain when an hour ago he'd felt confident in what he'd wanted to do. He wants to look to Dean to know if he is truly doing the wrong thing, if he ought to hand over his own 'kill-switch' but he has caused this mess. It's not for Dean to clean up.

"I appreciate your help, Ishiah, and your council, Robin," he manages, steeling himself before opening his eyes.

"I truly do. I will return soon and we can practice the incantation you will require.

[always_enduphere]

Dean curls his hand against Castiel's nape, squeezing once before he levers himself to standing. Blood rushes to his head, and with it, all the things they're not saying.

Castiel may very well choose a road without Dean if he thinks it safest, just as Dean may well choose to save him no matter the cost. They both know it, and there's no point in arguing, and certainly not in front of Ishiah and Robin.

He holds out his hand to pull Castiel up with him. "Thanks," he echoes.