For Rukia

[godless_son]

Castiel does not do well with a lack of control. He is unsure how much of this is his own personality (he is not entirely sure what that personality even is, having only contemplated having one for a short number of years) and how much is part of the hardware he was built with as an Angel of the Lord.

Regardless, he does not deal well with uncertainty and his enthusiasm for seeking out Rukia's help in exploring not only his power but also that he does not understand has surprised him. He attributes it largely to Dean, who was brave (and perhaps reckless) enough to seek out his own limitations not long ago. Rukia's power is one he does not understand. She is not a ghost, per se and there is a stillness and a finesse on top of a great power that he lacks. It is fascinating and he marvels yet again how small his world has grown, how small he has managed to make himself to fit inside this body at the same time everything he thought he could be or comprehend continues to grow.

He hesitates outside of Urahara's shop, the only part of this exercise he is not looking forward to lies underneath. What he remembers of being held down there is distorted, the hallucinations and the real thing blending. He has tried to forget the blood and pain that he caused but he hopes it does not look as he remembers. Dean has tried to explain to him the changeable nature of the place. He hopes it looks radically different.

Comments

[godless_son]

"I'm sure it is quite obvious to you that Angels are trained in no shades of grey," he murmurs with a huff of laughter. "There is something a few blocks away. It feels...similar in some ways to a ghost, similar in some ways to yourself. Not shinigami but they way you are a spirit with a body instead of married together like a human. I think I understand the difference in my approach to discovering this creature."

[unburden]

"And this is why you're being trained by someone other than an angel. At some point, all teachers can only impart so much wisdom. In life, you must continue moving in order to learn and experience more. Don't let yourself be satisfied by what comes to you," Rukia says quietly, before stepping forward to gently reach out for Castiel's hand and bringing it up to hover a couple of inches away from her sternum. "That connection between body and soul is one that shinigami visualize as a chain. If you feel around this area, just at the top of my sternum, you'll sense a stronger source of spiritual energy. The breaking of that chain takes place at death — and sometimes is forced, when creating a shinigami. Were you to explore this same area, you'll notice that Dean's chain has been severed. And not only by Urahara-san. He died even before that, didn't he?"

[godless_son]

Castiel raises his hand, focusing on the stronger pulse of energy. "It is similar with angels, that place. If an Angel blade pierces us there, death is almost certain."

He frowns, hand dropping at the mention of Dean. The energy shifts as he grows more agitated, always the result any time Dean is involved. "I've felt it, yes," he breathes. "It feels like scars badly healed over time and time again. He's died...many times. I've had put him back together many times."

[unburden]

"But to die many times also means to live many times," Rukia points out gently, reaching out briefly for Castiel's hand and giving it the slightest of squeezes. "Which is more than almost anyone has the opportunity to experience. Many die for less, and die more permanently. It's good that Dean is still able to look forward and make the most of what he's experienced over the years. I have high hopes for him."

Dropping the hold on Castiel's hand, Rukia tilts her head thoughtfully. "Tell me one thing, Castiel. What is your ultimate goal in learning all of this? What is it that you're trying to accomplish?"

[godless_son]

'Save Dean' is the first thing that pops into his mind, as it always does but that is not it, exactly. That is a side effect of what he is really hoping for.

"I want to be human," he starts, dropping her gaze at that admission. It seems particularly difficult to admit such a thing to someone like Rukia. "I want it very much but I am needed right now in this form. But I dislike what it means to be what I have been for so long and I am afraid of my power. For all my discipline and training, I am volatile for an Angel and have let myself be consumed by pride or anger or despair in the past and I have decimated humans and Angels in the wake. I want to not be so afraid of what I am. I want to turn it into something better."

He raises his eyes at that, finding the courage to face whatever reaction that might invoke.

[unburden]

Rukia listens to Castiel's words, finding herself slightly skeptical, but she's also fully aware that her bias comes from her own experience. Her bias stems from the time Urahara had her wear a device that slowly stripped her of her spiritual power, binding her to a physical body, to the point where had she not discovered the nature of his actions, she would have been turned functionally human. And perhaps it wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world, to experience something she was stripped prematurely of in the first place, but it had been a violation of her free will.

And perhaps even more importantly than that, Rukia knew that all of her experience and knowledge wasn't meant to be in the hands of a human.

"I don't think that what you are is the driver behind this volatility you mention," Rukia says quietly. "I have not known many angels, but you describe pride, anger, despair — all these things can be found in humans as well. The only difference is that they don't wield the same degree of power that we do. Is that better? Is that worse? I don't think morality is really a factor."

[godless_son]

"I think you are correct," he murmurs, frowning as he mulls over her words, direct and spare in a way that reminds him of Ishiah but with a point of view entirely unique to anything he's every encountered. "Your council is unlike any I've ever had the opportunity to seek, Rukia. I want not to be such a blunt instrument, then. I want to know the shades of subtlety and control that you possess. That is what I want. That is the heart of it. But it is asking a lot of you and you can say no. I am not always an excellent pupil."

[unburden]

"And I am not always an excellent teacher," Rukia points out in turn, unable to keep a slight grin off her face as she's reminded of the many, many times that Ichigo had complained and wailed under her tutelage. In some ways, that experience had been much of the blind leading the blind, with neither of them aware of the full implications of Soul Society politics, but what had made the relationship so mutually beneficial was the fact that there had been such a contrast in their ways of thinking, in their approach. Each learned from the other.

"I think... this partnership will be interesting. I certainly want to learn more about how things are in your world, too. More perspective is always good. And I could use a reminder to be mindful of my own actions. Some of my recently acquired powers require a lot of precision, and it would be good to have another pair of eyes to watch and provide feedback."