For Rukia

[godless_son]

Castiel does not do well with a lack of control. He is unsure how much of this is his own personality (he is not entirely sure what that personality even is, having only contemplated having one for a short number of years) and how much is part of the hardware he was built with as an Angel of the Lord.

Regardless, he does not deal well with uncertainty and his enthusiasm for seeking out Rukia's help in exploring not only his power but also that he does not understand has surprised him. He attributes it largely to Dean, who was brave (and perhaps reckless) enough to seek out his own limitations not long ago. Rukia's power is one he does not understand. She is not a ghost, per se and there is a stillness and a finesse on top of a great power that he lacks. It is fascinating and he marvels yet again how small his world has grown, how small he has managed to make himself to fit inside this body at the same time everything he thought he could be or comprehend continues to grow.

He hesitates outside of Urahara's shop, the only part of this exercise he is not looking forward to lies underneath. What he remembers of being held down there is distorted, the hallucinations and the real thing blending. He has tried to forget the blood and pain that he caused but he hopes it does not look as he remembers. Dean has tried to explain to him the changeable nature of the place. He hopes it looks radically different.

Comments

[unburden]

When Rukia makes her way down to the underground lair of Urahara's shop, it gives her pause. It's not the first time she's seen the lair, but in the wake of Urahara's disappearance, she finds herself questioning the details of the place. Why it was designed to look as it does — cavernous, sunny, nothing in the terrain but rocks and dirt. It looks exactly like the space Urahara used to train Ichigo years ago.

A similarity that no one would be able to make note of, aside from Rukia and Urahara themselves.

She thinks about changing the terrain, but what stops her is the sheer time and effort she'd need to put in. Every aspect of the lair is constructed and maintained by spirit energy. To give the place a makeover would put her out of commission for a day, maybe two. Something she can't afford as the sole shinigami at work in Darrow.

When she feels Castiel's grace approach, Rukia glances up, standing straight with her shoulders politely pulled back.

"Castiel. I'm glad you were able to make it," she says, bowing her head.

[godless_son]

Castiel nods, peering down into the lair and hesitating for just a moment before flying in, wings rustling as he tucks them back in and stares around him. "I wasn't certain what this place would look like, in my right mind. I was unable to feel the sheer power of it, before. This is a power I am wholly unfamiliar with."

[unburden]

"I wouldn't say wholly unfamiliar. If you have ever felt the passage of souls after someone has passed away, then you are at least familiar with the work that we do. But sometimes, as we go about our day, we don't stop to observe everything in the setting around us, especially if we feel that there is nothing we can do to change or influence it," says Rukia, offering Castiel a small smile and holding an arm out, as though to welcome him to the place. "Hopefully you'll enjoy this time more than you did your previous visit. Whatever else can be said, Urahara-san is very good at designing such spaces. Easily considered a genius in my world. You'll notice that most blows won't be able to escape this space; it's very well contained."

[godless_son]

"My familiarity is only minimal, we tend to kill quickly and violently and are rarely present for a peaceful or natural death," he admits, letting out a careful breath as he reaches for her hand.

"There are ways, in my world, to exorcise demons and aide the passing in a way that saves the host or is less painful but angels are not privy to that. The only time it has been done in front of me was through the aide of demon blood. I just...I want to know if my power can do more than heal or destroy. I need to understand something other than angel and demon. I do not even know exactly what I'm asking for, other than to be less ignorant."

[unburden]

"From what I've seen in helping Dean, the two worlds are not so dissimilar. If anything, the biggest difference is in perspective. The texts that I've read from your faith all treat the world as if the flow of humans is finite. You either ascend to heaven, or you descend into hell. But, from the perspective of a shinigami, life and death are a cycle. A soul makes its way from one world to the other repeatedly, an endless circle," Rukia explains, holding Castiel's hand as she leads the both of them to the center of the space, where a large boulder sits, with plenty of ledges for them to sit on.

"A good way to start might be to draw from the most basic of skills. Identifying souls. You have the ability to pick out individual souls, don't you?" Rukia asks, tilting her head.

[godless_son]

"Yes, unless there is a ward against it, like there is with Dean's I can locate a soul anywhere in the city but I also see souls separate from the body," he explains, frowning a little at the thought of Dean's soul cycling back through in any way that might not be Dean. "I see the soul first and the body second. The handful of times I have been human were very confusing. And to us, each soul is unique with one unique life. Not to be...reused."

[unburden]

"Perhaps reused isn't the right term. I'm not suggesting that each soul gets directly incarnated, over and over. But there's a balance between the living world and the non-living world, and everything is ultimately made of that spiritual energy. Shinigami will die. Angels will die. But that energy that we are composed of, if we die in a natural way, returns to the world and contributes to new life. A miraculous process," Rukia says quietly, trying to watch for signs of dawning comprehension in Castiel. "Now, the next exercise involves visualizing the souls. The way that I've most often found successful with students is to try and visualize souls in the form of ribbons. The closer the ribbon, the easier it might be to grab onto it. Most souls are a plain white. Can you follow so far? Can you stretch your imagination, close your eyes, and feel the souls around you and their movement?"

[godless_son]

Castiel can see a crucial divide in their views of death that will need to be addressed at some point but he is intrigued by the idea of following her on this journey.

It has been quite some time since he has been taught anything about his powers.

"I can do that," he affirms, closing his eyes. "I sense your energy, very different from the fourteen human souls within the block radius. I could push it further but it is easier if I know who I am looking for. Also, I see them in white initially but they are more brilliant up close. Dean's is stunning."

[unburden]

"I'm not trying to teach you how to find one specific person out of the crowd. Later, maybe that will be a useful skill to hone, but I believe you have some skill in that already. We are trying to teach you a new application of your power, not yet making your existing skills stronger," Rukia explains, stepping lightly around Castiel and watching the even expression of his face. He's an interesting student to work with, obedient, but with a tendency to step forward in a direction she hadn't been intending.

"My energy is different than that of human souls, yes. Instead of visualizing it as a brighter color, try to train yourself to see them as different colors. It will make things faster in a pinch. You won't have to 'look close,' as you say, to know when a soul is different. My soul and Dean's soul are similar, because we are both shinigami. In the academy where I learned, we were taught to view these souls as red," Rukia explains, straightening her shoulders. "To pick red out of a sea of white becomes an easy task. Can you see? Dean and I are not the only people in this city who are spiritually powerful."

[godless_son]

"I have a great difficulty with this," he admits, eyes still closed tight as he tries to narrow in in the similarities between hers and Dean's souls, rather than the disparities. "There are so many creatures in Darrow I'd never even heard of. I can tell if they are not human, demon or angel but the subtleties are muddled. It's strange to me to see the changes in Dean's soul. I tend to...sense him more than anything but those senses are not refined enough, I think, to be enough. But I think I see a little of what you are saying. I've never thought to look for the ways the two of you are the same."

[unburden]

"When you are introduced to something new and unfamiliar, it is most helpful to compare that to what you know, rather than to focus on the differences. To see something and say, 'I have never encountered anything like that before,' does not help you. It does not give you any place from which to start. Instead, when you observe the similarities, you are able to make decisions, even if you have never had real experience in the area before," Rukia explains, taking small steps around Castiel as she watches him concentrate, careful not to mask all of her energy, but enough of it so that reading the other souls in the vicinity won't prove too difficult. "It will cease to matter that you have not heard of a specific type of creature. The knowledge will grow as your interactions repeat."

[godless_son]

"I'm sure it is quite obvious to you that Angels are trained in no shades of grey," he murmurs with a huff of laughter. "There is something a few blocks away. It feels...similar in some ways to a ghost, similar in some ways to yourself. Not shinigami but they way you are a spirit with a body instead of married together like a human. I think I understand the difference in my approach to discovering this creature."

[unburden]

"And this is why you're being trained by someone other than an angel. At some point, all teachers can only impart so much wisdom. In life, you must continue moving in order to learn and experience more. Don't let yourself be satisfied by what comes to you," Rukia says quietly, before stepping forward to gently reach out for Castiel's hand and bringing it up to hover a couple of inches away from her sternum. "That connection between body and soul is one that shinigami visualize as a chain. If you feel around this area, just at the top of my sternum, you'll sense a stronger source of spiritual energy. The breaking of that chain takes place at death — and sometimes is forced, when creating a shinigami. Were you to explore this same area, you'll notice that Dean's chain has been severed. And not only by Urahara-san. He died even before that, didn't he?"

[godless_son]

Castiel raises his hand, focusing on the stronger pulse of energy. "It is similar with angels, that place. If an Angel blade pierces us there, death is almost certain."

He frowns, hand dropping at the mention of Dean. The energy shifts as he grows more agitated, always the result any time Dean is involved. "I've felt it, yes," he breathes. "It feels like scars badly healed over time and time again. He's died...many times. I've had put him back together many times."

[unburden]

"But to die many times also means to live many times," Rukia points out gently, reaching out briefly for Castiel's hand and giving it the slightest of squeezes. "Which is more than almost anyone has the opportunity to experience. Many die for less, and die more permanently. It's good that Dean is still able to look forward and make the most of what he's experienced over the years. I have high hopes for him."

Dropping the hold on Castiel's hand, Rukia tilts her head thoughtfully. "Tell me one thing, Castiel. What is your ultimate goal in learning all of this? What is it that you're trying to accomplish?"

[godless_son]

'Save Dean' is the first thing that pops into his mind, as it always does but that is not it, exactly. That is a side effect of what he is really hoping for.

"I want to be human," he starts, dropping her gaze at that admission. It seems particularly difficult to admit such a thing to someone like Rukia. "I want it very much but I am needed right now in this form. But I dislike what it means to be what I have been for so long and I am afraid of my power. For all my discipline and training, I am volatile for an Angel and have let myself be consumed by pride or anger or despair in the past and I have decimated humans and Angels in the wake. I want to not be so afraid of what I am. I want to turn it into something better."

He raises his eyes at that, finding the courage to face whatever reaction that might invoke.

[unburden]

Rukia listens to Castiel's words, finding herself slightly skeptical, but she's also fully aware that her bias comes from her own experience. Her bias stems from the time Urahara had her wear a device that slowly stripped her of her spiritual power, binding her to a physical body, to the point where had she not discovered the nature of his actions, she would have been turned functionally human. And perhaps it wouldn't have been the worst thing in the world, to experience something she was stripped prematurely of in the first place, but it had been a violation of her free will.

And perhaps even more importantly than that, Rukia knew that all of her experience and knowledge wasn't meant to be in the hands of a human.

"I don't think that what you are is the driver behind this volatility you mention," Rukia says quietly. "I have not known many angels, but you describe pride, anger, despair — all these things can be found in humans as well. The only difference is that they don't wield the same degree of power that we do. Is that better? Is that worse? I don't think morality is really a factor."

[godless_son]

"I think you are correct," he murmurs, frowning as he mulls over her words, direct and spare in a way that reminds him of Ishiah but with a point of view entirely unique to anything he's every encountered. "Your council is unlike any I've ever had the opportunity to seek, Rukia. I want not to be such a blunt instrument, then. I want to know the shades of subtlety and control that you possess. That is what I want. That is the heart of it. But it is asking a lot of you and you can say no. I am not always an excellent pupil."

[unburden]

"And I am not always an excellent teacher," Rukia points out in turn, unable to keep a slight grin off her face as she's reminded of the many, many times that Ichigo had complained and wailed under her tutelage. In some ways, that experience had been much of the blind leading the blind, with neither of them aware of the full implications of Soul Society politics, but what had made the relationship so mutually beneficial was the fact that there had been such a contrast in their ways of thinking, in their approach. Each learned from the other.

"I think... this partnership will be interesting. I certainly want to learn more about how things are in your world, too. More perspective is always good. And I could use a reminder to be mindful of my own actions. Some of my recently acquired powers require a lot of precision, and it would be good to have another pair of eyes to watch and provide feedback."